i have been jinxed.
no i am cursed..
im just being dramatic
yaar i was so excited, even did the customary "this trip wont be that great" so all would go well but no. i picked up 20 pound boxes full of books today and sprained my back. and i leave for montreal tommorow.how great is that?
i felt a sharp pain but noone around me was complaining so went on. Kya hai yaar? why today of all days did this have to happen...
my back is paining but the doctor said its a sprain...so not serious.
but alas life must go on. I will go tommorow, have been having strange illusions of me returning back earlier than the other two...naheeeeee
kya hai yaar i get this one opportunity and i screw it up. Havent even started writing. this back has become a hinderance..parha bhi nahi, likha bhi nahi, calls bhi nahi kiyay
please Allah mian make my back ok .. pleeease

i feel like such a loser :P
i have been studying in a "group study room" all by myself, talking to myself, writing on the blackboard for my own satisfaction and so some of these goddamn dates get into my head (yes i think writing them in big letters on a chalk board will somehow lodge them in this brain of mine for atleast the next one hour)
all for one test
patta nahi kaisa hota hai
so now that i have an hour to kill at university before i go to class, so here i am
so much to do suddenly.
i am very excited about the trip next week, but as many things go, it might not be the ultimate trip from heaven i want it to be...pessimistic? i dont know...things seem to work out when i brace myself for the worst :)
also have to start writing..really do..but somehow havent gotten time...what with watching 'the office' cds and eating :P
i must not let this opportunity pass me by...i must grab it and make the best of it..i must i must
i keep getting updates about "site traffic" on this blog and the stupid email tells me (literally) to "increase traffic!" now either i make it a point to visit this blog 12 times a day or more or i beg whoever reads this sorry piece of crap to do so :) acha im just being self deprecating. itna burra bhi nahi hai. ya hai? or i just ignore sitemeter
i must write...i must i must and i will i will
whats wrong with me ??
i sound totally demented. please ask me about marx or simmel or what the enlightenment did to society and i will answer you coherently but while im doing this rambling, coherence is the last thing on my mind
acha i was just dropping names, did you notice?
no man im really fortunate to be studying interesting stuff like this. or what i find interesting atleast. unlike "rattofying" the accounting principles A has to...i feel sorry for him and i tell him that and he says "you gotta do what you gotta do"
i tried to convince him to give it all up and start a phD ... he's total prof material..but he says im not 18 anymore..i remember reading something to the effect of "fortunate is the man who loves his work" by some famous British playwright..such kaha hai
look at me - i love what im doing (or studying) but have no idea whatsoever of what to do in the future. but if you ask me, i prefer that to doing something i totally hate and making tonnes of money.
jub job nahi milaigi tau i might just eat these words .. who knows?

Ab to aadat si hai mujh ko aisay jeenay ki
Lines from a song h told me was awesome … I really didn’t like it at first but I love it now…
Wakai aadat ho gayee hai
I felt like crying after hearing t’s message…she left me a message on her way to the airport..i have found a comrade in this strange time, a friend I never knew I’d have. I just wanted to cry because I was so damn happy for her. Happy. How we come up with words that describe so much yet so little… the other day I just started crying. Just like that. Like a pregnant woman would maybe…for absolutely no reason. Am I lonely somewhere inside? I have so much…all this and yet I’m so ungrateful.
I wanted to treasure that feeling I had after hearing t’s voice…just genuine khushi at someones khushi, itni khushi ke dil bharr aye, not in a deep way, just in a sort of revelation like way of realizing that this kind of happiness was possible. Not too much yet not little. A kind of connection with another person you just learned you have.. She must be in the plane right now…heading to my city. Our city. I didn’t quite know she meant so much to me...but she does. I have found friends I never thought I would…I thought my alevel day friends would be the end but fortunately, I have found gems of people here that I feel so fortunate to know.

It was like revisiting my adolescent days when I used to lust after Salman Khan or look at Luke Perry twelve times a day adorned on the door of my closet and sigh. I went to a concert and it was a lot of fun.
I decided to splurge on the rather expensive ticket because one, I hadn’t done this in a very long time and two; it was with friends. New friends, old friends – people I hadn’t been out with in a very long time. And since my social life seems to have ceased here, I took the opportunity to give it a bit of a boost. Man that’s shallow.
It was fun dressing up. Just being genuinely interested in looking good, without having to philosophically justify it. It was a concert yaar, obviously I had to dress up!I told myself. I felt like a little bubbly kid dressing up, hell I even bought a new top. I wasn’t genuinely interested in seeing Hrithik Roshan or Aishwarya Rai (in fact I fail to see why TIME magazine named her one of the 100 most influential people in the world!) but I wasn’t going to see them perform, I went to have a good time. And that, I did.
I got all dressed and went over to m’s place where s was waiting as well. We were going to do a once-over to see if anyone was too dressed up. M wasn’t as made up as the two of us, and for some reason I felt guilty, like I had abandoned my principles and her in some way by putting on so much eyeliner and wearing heels. But can I tell you something? It does the ego wonders to do this once in a while. I am, after all superficial as much as I may dislike the idea and I do feel like crap most of the time.
We frantically took pictures of the actors once they came on, so we could send them to our loved ones back home and say, see, see I do have a life here!
Now Fardeen Khan, there’s someone I was looking forward to seeing and in our cheap teenage-girly way, we screeched when he came on. But we weren’t half as bad as the others who yelled away and asked him to marry them.you must, you must let your hair down now and then.
All in all, it was worth the money. The music was very loud though and I had a headache the next day, which I thought must be what a hangover feels like.
Maggar larkiyon (if any larkiyaan are reading this) if you get the chance to have a girl’s night out and it involves entertainment and food, please - do not let it pass.

wow blogspot seems to have been revamped...
i hate revamping. and modern and new stuff. hate it.
told dad that im glad they moved...especially in turbulent times...i didnt mean it. he corrected me.he said i dont agree. other people live there.
i miss my old house. i know i wouldnt have been able to live there now that im married...but i just feel a strange sense of loss....ache..never knew it would be this way. Told A how i wish i could have so much money so i could buy it back.its as if that house is an album full of beautiful photos that i dont want to lose.so many memories.

cant find the words for the tragedy. reminded me of another time..similar incident when there was chaos and firing and n uncle was late returning from work. how scared we were. i peeped out of the window and saw men with faces covered..mustve been in my early teens..but it has happened over and over again. i feel so helpless, cowardly sitting here writing from the comfort of this apartment that i feel no affiliation with, no warmth in. but im glad for the roof over my head. just as i was glad that dreary day looking at those masked men.

its surprising how i have so much bravado now. I mean I actually told a guy off today out of sheer frustration.
woohoo for me!
I just hate it when these stupid jerks turn up in class not having grown up at all and full of shit.
I saw the TA (Mohd his name was) in lecture and i could tell he was desi. In fact i was pretty sure he was memon, from karachi, maybe from Lahore, late twenties, probably did his bachelors back in Pakistan. I had him all figured out. Well i was wrong. He was originally from Bangladesh and had done his uni in Singapore.
When i got to the class, he was talking ... very desi accent. Sort of like Apu in Simpsons
(its sad that i have to compare him to a character created by the west of how they look at us south asians - little do they know it breeds racism and xenophobia) so the stupid white guy in the second row was smirking away with his friend. The TA said stuff like "when you come to iskool" and "prospective" for perspective. Dont get me wrong . i dont judge by accent - the guy is doing his phD but this frikking gora certainly was judging by accent. (Interestingly the prof -white woman - for this course did not tell us which TA will hold which tutorial and she said "i have alot of faith in all of them". One smartass student asked "which tutorial is Mohd leading?" and the prof replied "going by names are you? well let me tell you you shouldnt go by names".this prof is my dream come true)
so getting back to the jerk in class, he was trying to trick Mohd into looking foolish and asked some really dumb question. and yours truly shot back.I ?? lil ol me! nothing big - just told him off. And a girl from the back said something too.
ullu ka pattha. whispers to his friends "so the whole class needs to answer a question for the guy(TA)"

Then the TA took attendance. He asked my name - it wasnt in his list. I was in the wrong class! He told me where my tutorial was which was two doors down. I rush and guess what? There sitting on the desk talking rather softly is a Russian guy who is being smirked at. This guy is worse. I mean he has no idea that we cant hear him and he's going on and on in a monotone. I wish that brat in my first class could see this guy.
What i dont understand is, with a subject like sociology that TEACHES one to be sensitive and aware of other people and not judge - how can this white guy be so racist? but i guess im not that much better either..i mean i judged the guy too...but it just really bugged me that here is a Russian guy - equally hard to understand, speaks equally accented english - but its the brown guy thats the butt of their jokes.

khoon khaulta hai mera...the best part abt the course is the prof. yesterday she made a comment about how the author of our book talks about Ibn Khaldun - the Morroccan icon . She said " unfortunately thats as far as he(author) will go to include nonWesterners"....she is so damn cool

i have to stop saying to every single person on this planet that i am homesick
i just had a really uncomfortable conversation and in a lame attempt to savage it i started blabbing. And ofcourse what came out in a sorry pathetic sqeak was 'im still homesick'
lets just say the reply was chilly and now i hate myself.
i vow to start becoming less of a loser