I was walking towards Vari Hall , this big hallway-ish "rotunda" at school that leads to the library, there outside in the garden cum courtyard cum boulevard(damn its hard to describe the campus),a group of South Asian guys were playing cricket. It was such a nice sight... they were yelling "howzzzaaat" and talking in urdu and hindi, open skies... i smiled like a clown. Walking, smiling ...just something about all these guys playing this game reminded me so much of karachi , a game they probably used to play on the streets of their cities..
i guess it also has to do with how i dont feel this sense of belonging to uni here and I just felt happy that these people claimed this space - if only for a short while...waisay the weather today was also great. Sunny and springy - finally. why is weather such an oft talked about thing here?

Their emails remind me of those days…those balmy Karachi evenings…the night that was so welcome, so comforting. in that city of lights. My city of lights. I remember the extreme sense of joy and just real happiness I used to feel after getting up from a nap on Thursday nights. The joy of the weekend – in those days Friday and Saturday were holidays. Lying in my parents bed, I would wake up at the sound of azaan. Stretch and look forward to the “Drive” we would go for. No homework, and no school for two whole days.
I used to tell h that im so noble when we went for drives. At that juncture, where you can either head off to saddar and on to Clifton or head to pechs I used to always want to go to pechs. And so that was a source of pride for me. Not so much as I was proud not to be a wannabe ( I probably didn’t even think about those things back then) but just because so much family lived in pechs. And that nice stretch of road with the moon following me. That was bliss.
I don’t even recall how old I was…maybe 12? Then a few years down the road, I remember secretly crying in the backseat of the car – with my parents in front.h wasn’t there. I cried because I knew that this haven of mine – this grey car with its secluded backseat and light ghazal music, these Karachi nights, these drives to MohdAli or meerut or hillpark - and my most precious thing in life – the two people in the front seat – these drives would no longer be the same. I was going to move to another house, travel in a different car, and later move to another part of the world. And I realized it. I had seen enough Indian movies to even have background music in my thoughts. The viddai, the shehnai, the banno song.
Sometimes it seems so long ago..its almost like a dream. Did I ever thank my folks for the wonderful childhood they gave me?
Those drives and that house were my sanctuary.
When I read these emails, they remind me of those bygone times – those priceless memories. I know I can still go to these places with my parents but the carefreeness, the atmosphere, those years of singlehood were just somehow different. As I sit typing in Toronto, looking out of the window, I see cars. The night looks the same but Toronto isn’t Karachi. It can never be.

she told me: why did you wear that cotton jora when you knew it was going to be a big function?
My blood started boiling...what the ? who are you to tell me what to wear?
but everyone was so dressed up... you shouldnt wear cotton to a khoja function.. you know better than that..
uhh well no! i dont want to be like them - i'm not like that. I wear what i want i dont want to be dictated. They all looked so similar with their straight hair, their bell bottoms and their short kameezes. And it was a toddlers birthday for crying out loud! its too bad that it became somewhat of a socialite event - with little kids added in ofcourse. and ayas and maasis for good measure.
yes but people will think you dont have clothes, good taste and they will say look she doesnt know how to dress
well if theyre going to judge me like that, i'd sure as hell rather be in their bad books. There's more to life you know - these women are in their twenties! they shouldnt be sporting the solitaire earings their husbands bought them - whats the difference between them and those social aunties who envy each others jewellery and sport the latest trends to be part of the group?
at this point i was seething..but she didnt give up. I just mumbled something about education and made myself sound pompous and arrogant and left.

the ad above says stuff like "release fear and jealousy" ... isnt that funny now.. so these bloody machines can read what i write about and come up with catch phrases related to the blog in order to advertise..hmm interesting. did you know we see an average of 3000 ads a day? crazy world innit

so whats up...my dear friend asked people to come here through her own blog..whatcha go and do dat for? anyways thanks. iss tarah atleast someone will read my blog!! not that i need it read.. but it does "massage the ego" as you once said..and isnt that the point of a blog - that it be read..

i am so stressed right now but i wont let it get to me...here in canada the kids are celebrating March Break ie a week off from school and i hoshiaar invited two of my second cousins over to spend the night..yes . i did it last year too and it was fun. But now i have to think about what to do with them...theyre 11 and 12 and that means you can't seat them in front of cartoon network or bake cookies with them.You gotta entertain them! well it should be interesting- theyre sweethearts. the stress is settling in because i have to finish the first draft of a paper on motherhood and feminism, and print it out at the library and cook pulao and clean the bathroom. Now that i type it, it doesnt seem as daunting.. wonder what the machine will put up their next..maybe bathroom cleaner or something..should be interesting

it wasnt so bad..I decided to go to the lets call it "gathering" shall we? afterall. I dont know why I seem to be so insecure when it comes to attending social functions with people of my own community...had a long conversation with my cousin the other day and he had some sensible things to say...dont we all want money? whats the point of all my ranting when i know i also want to work eventually, make some money, give my kids a good life and basically lead a comfortable life...reality check - all that means $$$
whats with my anti-capitalist-proletariat-marxist-ihatediamonds/fashion/designers/brands shit anyways?! whats the point?
the lady today mentioned "paradigm shift". And i think i have had a paradigm shift , but whats the point ? so my eyes have been opened - i think. So i think money isnt the most important thing in the world - all these beliefs only to contradict myself later in life?
kher the gathering wasnt as bad as i had thought...thankfully have made a few friends so didnt have to stand around pretending im busy when im actually dying of embarrasment because theres noone to talk to..
man i have issues.. maybe it all comes down to the $ .. maybe thats why i hate it here.

someone was talking about how things in North America are so product/economicgood-driven..like relationships. even when you go over to someones place, you take something..buy something and take it -only to be given something of similar value later by those very people, or perhaps being fed a meal that would roughly cost that much..i dont remember doing that in khi.. except this time i did..everything needed to be reciprocated with "stuff"...no more one way nice gestures

anyways, back to the issue at hand...yes i am fortunate to be "middle class".. i am also very fortunate to have jewellery and enough money to enable me to go to school here..and yet i hate wearing that very jewellery. why? i want it, but i dont want it?
theres nothing wrong in looking good i realize now. Last year i had had a moment of epiphany when walking home, I realized all those people who didnt dress up had so much more intergrity...and that was my paradigm shift. From then on, atleast here, i dont make that much effort dressing up. But it DOES make a difference, for one it gives your self esteem a boost. which i could use...i guess my point is im contradicting myself and i dont like it...then again do things have to be black and white? do i have to hate dressing up because its superficial or love it because it isnt? or is there a grey? like it isnt the most important thing in the world, but it can be good for me sometimes...

they sent me a picture...i didnt miss being there. for a change. I just looked at the perfect hair, makeup and bodies and felt sorry...sorry for myself that i couldnt see the fun in that, the joy, the pleasure of looking good. I just wish one person was different. But no, they all looked gorgeous. right to their kohl lined eyes. Beautiful eyes. But i was sad, very sad, recalling the other weddings. older ones. when it didnt matter how straight our hair was. all we wanted was to dance. now all we want is to be admired. whats wrong in that you stupid morbid moron, i ask myself? i like being admired too. but there's something about it that just irks me. maybe its like opium of the unadmired. just like religion is the opium of the masses, maybe this belief that looking good is superficial is my opium, it keeps me from being like them, from looking good, it keeps my level of selfesteem pretty low. is that cliched? contradictory?profound? no. im just asking, why have i become so negative? why am i so full of shit?is all this sociology getting to me? touching a nerve? changing me?

i dont understand why those french muslim women voted in favour of the ban on the headscarf...well, ok maybe i understand one point of view i.e. those women who are forced to wear the hijab by their families/fathers/husbands, see this ban as an answer to their prayers..they no longer have to fight to not wear the hijab, the government just won't let them! Yet, whats strange about that argument is, that hijab is only (thankGod) prohibited in schools, so what about the time these women are out of school?

but i think there is this great misunderstanding that all secular women are anti-hijab. Nobody sees hijab as empowering - perhaps because it isnt for most, but I am really confused.. if these women choose NOT to show skin, to me, that says they dont care to be admired by men and they dont want to be judged. Is it secular to show skin?? This logic is beyond me. The French are being racist, Eurcentric and downright unjust - a secular society must allow its inhabitants to do whatsoever they want - banning the hijab will not make solve any problems - interestingly, the sikh turban, or white prayer caps that muslim men sport have not been banned...so basically theyre oppressing the already oppressed women - ok maybe thats my feminist professor talking but the idea has merit.. and what about equating these religous symbols - what a cross is to a Christian is very different from what a kippa means to a Jew or hijab to a Muslim woman... its just simplistic, insensitive, ignorant and idiotic to equate these..