so many dreams...so much ambition. and its all futile. my attempts at gaining meaningful employment in karachi have not succeeded. i do have a job finally. but it isnt as glorious as perhaps i thought it would be. correcting notebooks and checking spelling is something i wanted to do as a kid. but when you grow up, everything becomes relative does it not? what about the degree that i got with so much pride? what happens now? do i continue doing this job till the baby comes along and then lose myself in the mundanities of life? never to be roused from my domestic slumber, never to reignite the sparks of doing a phd, of publishing, of being something, someone. my faith within myself deteriorates. and it is noones fault but my own.
i was very nervous going to the interview. my self confidence is at an all time low (answering the "so did you get that ngo job?" query can take its toll) and i thought i wouldnt succeed in getting this $200 a month job. i always wanted to be in the classroom, no mistakes here, i am looking forward to it, but this voice keeps squeaking within my head: if a high school graduate can get this same job, is it really what im looking for? so if there was no basis for comparison, would i be happier? what if the ngo finally comes through? is it fair to quit?
how selfish i am. thinking about my bloody resume in the face of so much sorrow. but alas life goes on. challo atleast ill have spare money at the end of the month.