i have a mantra: bittersweet
thats what i say to everyone at work - i am quitting and its "bittersweet". I guess i have become more diplomatic than i ever will....the webs we weave to make things easier on us.
telling work people that i will be gone has driven my imminent departure closer to home. its starting to hit me. but it will not sink in till i land.
i have learned so much in these past months...the two women who are my immediate coworkers, almost old enough to be my mothers and yet so young at heart, have been absolutely wonderful. they hug, they tell me i will be missed and they treat me like one of their own. they ask me all sorts of questions about pakistan that i am only too happy to answer ... sometimes i think i open myself up too much. give of myself too much. someone in alevels had once told me that after a strange episode of confiding in a bunch of people that i went through. it had hit me hard at the time how i was so open to the point of calousness... but yes there are people i have met who i truly believe are special and feel lucky to have known. the way these people reacted to my news was so bloody great. i hope it will get easier....too many feelings right now, too much to think about, but alas, in the end, its all for something ive wanted all this time..

i re read my diary the other day....i do fear that someone might spot it one day and then ...what happens. actually considered telling a that if i die, please only let my mom read it and then burn it. what would happen ....i shudder to think of death...and yet so many people are looking at it right in the face.....while we think about petty things like pleasure and happiness. what of plain old life?
i would have left last night. at this precise moment i would have been in dubai.. and then off to karachi. but i am here. i didnt go. but then again i will soon. or will i?
h told me you will miss this. my colleague at work told me its hard to return to something that has changed so much from what you knew it to be. its true. thats my biggest fear....after all this bruhaha to go back and feel - nothing.
i tell my self i have bargained for that. i will confront it head on. after all that is what i knew, what i breathed, what i did- for 20 years....but who knows. what the future holds.