A friend invited me to a website thats based on finding people and developing networks through friends. Its really very amazing. But it does make me wonder how closer we all are now. I mean here i am writing in this blog anonymously - or so i think? But its not that hard to find out stuff about people on the internet is it?I just feel some of the things here could sound very strange to come of my friends and relatives. I think we all have multiple identities whether we like it or not. And its not a bad thing neccessarily. I went to visit mom's relative yesterday and there i was being the simple, nice me, speaking their language, being completely at home with them. But then I meet school friends who i am a completely changed person with. With A's mom I am the sophisticated englishspeaker. With the other A i am the studious, pseudo-literary me, with mom i'm the housewife and loving-studies me. There are so many facets to one person...does anyone but the person themselves know all those facets?

It was very strange sitting between two white women my age who seemed to be enthralled by the idea of big beautiful weddings and expensive, beautiful diamond rings. I sat between them, trying to only give mandatory input. It started with M asking A about the conspicuous ring on A's ring finger - yes it was an engagement ring. yes she was planning to get married next year at the wonderfully overpriced but "classy" banquet hall where they serve strawberries dipped in chocolate - i have had the pleasure of attending a wedding there myself, my first in this country. How grand and spectacular weddings are. They started talking about dresses (traditional white in this case was the consensus). All this while, i sat there. My own rings conspicuously missing from my fingers. I dont like wearing them because then they ask me, "how come?"; even a seemingly broad minded sikh girl once told me "i would never do it. You were probably forced". How do i explain to them? i launch into my monologue of "no-i-wanted-to" "no-we-liked-each-other" and most of them, especially the goris understand. Infact they have this dreamy look in their eyes when i lay out this rosy picture of marital bliss in front of them, conveniently deleting the brawls and ugliness that is a vital part of marriage.
As M congratulated A and i joined in, i felt devilish. M is  pretty nice. She called me up once about class notes, i did once too. I should have told her. But i just feel tired of repeating my life story and having to justify my "culture". So i conveniently take the easier route- desist from wearing the ring.
What else was strange was that we were sitting in social theory class! just a few minutes ago we had discussed conformism and just a few weeks ago, marx and consumerism. And here these women were doing exactly what this fake culture wants them to. Wanting to spend ridiculous amounts of money on weddings. sigh, the irony

just finished reading an entire blog (deevan) recommended by cheesoo That was very very refreshing. I mean here i am, moaning about how sorry my life is and bla bla while people actually write creatively and about interesting things! ahhh what a moment of revelation!
oh well...kya karein we're all different. But its just very invigorating to see all these pakistani people writing.

one more wedding in the family...i remember how last year i was miserable that i couldnt be there for one and this time, that kind of intense desire to be there just isnt there. I mean sure i would have loved to participate, but its not the end of the world that i cant. Yesterday I talked to A about my nostalgia and constant yearning. I hate myself for harping on about it and having nothing else to talk about. I think its more that i rely on those feelings to explain all my moods and emotions. Whenever im even a wee bit sad, it HAS to be because i miss karachi. I idealize Karachi, i idealize my family. Reality my friend, is slightly imperfect. As we walked through the streets of downtown Toronto yesterday, i felt i will miss this if i go back. And since i've been so busy worrying about how much i miss karachi, toronto never factored in. I have changed tremendously in these three years. I can conveniently and almost hypocritically criticize karachi womens' obsession with fashion and making new clothes every two days, but wont i go back and become one of those women?
Im just happy im not being as dramatic about this wedding as i was last year..perhaps i've grown, perhaps ive matured and started thinking its not all black and white.that there are more reasons to this than simply missing karachi. perhaps this is temporary and tommorow ill go back to being homesick all over again

while volunteering yesterday, i was reading essays by grade 4 and 5 students about their towns. They were supposed to write about why their community was special...what was alarming was that each entry (with some exceptions)had "my town is wonderful. it has walmart, pizza something, mcdonalds, etc etc". The consumer culture we live in permeates into the impressionable minds of these 10 year olds..its downright scary. its almost as if any childhood free of brandnames and restaurant chains where you get pizza is extinct. The ones who live in rural areas are perhaps the exception, but these giant corporations are creeping in there as well.

h is coming to study here...i am so very happy for her but i must admit i feel a wee bit ambivalent about the whole thing. I know she's focussed but she's also a rebel in alot of wrong ways..university is the best experience especially when it involves travelling to another part of the world and living on one's own. But it comes with a hell lot of responsibility. At the end of it, i know she is capable and responsible but there is this gnawing fear that when she returns, she will have unexpected and unpleasant reality to face. Maybe im just being an old hag because i didnt get to live on campus..maybe its just disguised envy that im expressing but i dont know...
im happy that ill finally have family here - whether or not i get to see her is another issue but..well despite my reservations, im happy that she's paving the way for other future women of my family to go abroad to study. I just hope she makes the best of it.