life seems to be melting away in a whole lot of random generic nothingnesses. Ah me and my adjectives and my intense desire to say something profound!! ah!
whatever. yes end it with whatever = that willl kill all the loveliness
no even i dont know what the hell that means
the point is - life is going by , i am no longer counting days which is a huge improvement from back in october when time stood still it seemed.
Work, home, tv, work, home, tv- that is the routine.and im quite liking it, except its just that there's little else i have time for. i love work - meaningless, manual, morose work . but i love it. what to do - cant deny it. a few years ago, when i got engaged i remember telling A how i wanted a job where i had my own desk. well now i do. i suppose that perverse little wish came true. and i am grateful am i not? my desk, my phone, my pc , my fake-american-accented-voicemail-message - its all here. kehte hein you should always beware of what you say - patta nahi kub oopar wala sun le
no but i am happy - im just not happy being happy with this state of affairs. and yet i am happy that i am here. what can i say its complicated.

The real i-am-so-busy-with-work/home/tv thing hit me the other day when, as i was leaving the apartment, I saw the manager showing a prospective tenant the apartment across from us - as i looked across the hall, there it was - the lovely old Chinese lady' s apartment - cleaned out and empty as a shell. No aroma of her cooking, no sign of her pictures scotch-taped on those walls. just a plain old empty place - ready to be occupied again. And it hit me- she had moved. Her son had written a little letter for us, saying thankyou (I dont really know what for really because we didnt do much for her, all modesty aside) and informing us of some items she was looking to get rid of - her sofa etc. Not selling , just giving. And I told her in our own little way of communicating with gestures and broken english that we didnt need anything...there was no place. That was the last i saw of her. I had thought I would go over and say bye one of these days and then one day - just like that, there was no more time to put off saying the bye - she had gone.
thats the thing about life here- you can be an island and noone will care. that may be a good thing sometimes, but sometimes, it just serves to remind me of the lovely yet sometimes sufficating togetherness I had back home.