it wasnt so bad..I decided to go to the lets call it "gathering" shall we? afterall. I dont know why I seem to be so insecure when it comes to attending social functions with people of my own community...had a long conversation with my cousin the other day and he had some sensible things to say...dont we all want money? whats the point of all my ranting when i know i also want to work eventually, make some money, give my kids a good life and basically lead a comfortable life...reality check - all that means $$$
whats with my anti-capitalist-proletariat-marxist-ihatediamonds/fashion/designers/brands shit anyways?! whats the point?
the lady today mentioned "paradigm shift". And i think i have had a paradigm shift , but whats the point ? so my eyes have been opened - i think. So i think money isnt the most important thing in the world - all these beliefs only to contradict myself later in life?
kher the gathering wasnt as bad as i had thought...thankfully have made a few friends so didnt have to stand around pretending im busy when im actually dying of embarrasment because theres noone to talk to..
man i have issues.. maybe it all comes down to the $ .. maybe thats why i hate it here.

someone was talking about how things in North America are so product/economicgood-driven..like relationships. even when you go over to someones place, you take something..buy something and take it -only to be given something of similar value later by those very people, or perhaps being fed a meal that would roughly cost that much..i dont remember doing that in khi.. except this time i did..everything needed to be reciprocated with "stuff"...no more one way nice gestures

anyways, back to the issue at hand...yes i am fortunate to be "middle class".. i am also very fortunate to have jewellery and enough money to enable me to go to school here..and yet i hate wearing that very jewellery. why? i want it, but i dont want it?
theres nothing wrong in looking good i realize now. Last year i had had a moment of epiphany when walking home, I realized all those people who didnt dress up had so much more intergrity...and that was my paradigm shift. From then on, atleast here, i dont make that much effort dressing up. But it DOES make a difference, for one it gives your self esteem a boost. which i could use...i guess my point is im contradicting myself and i dont like it...then again do things have to be black and white? do i have to hate dressing up because its superficial or love it because it isnt? or is there a grey? like it isnt the most important thing in the world, but it can be good for me sometimes...