i gingerly delete the email that informs me of the number of visitors i have had every week .. i used to religously check that very email to see how many people viewed my blog..no more. I suppose the numbers were dissappointing and at some point, i decided i will continue to write, even if there is no audience. It just makes me do something i enjoy doing. And why i refuse to write in a private journal instead of here,well i dont know. For all i know , this is pointless.
Anyway moving on. many many things have happened. The certainty i had become accustomed to, the nostalgia i was positive i had, and which would be assailed early next year has all come under (under?) question. I dont know what i am doing accepting a job that has nothing to do with who i am. All my convictions seem to be little pieces of nothingness that meant so much to me at one point but have somehow receded into being nothing now, but today, as opportunity knocks - corporate opportunity that is - i acquisce. This is not what i wanted, but i cannot deny i am very fortunate to get this break. We all need money now dont we? its the way the world works, and sometimes even the most idealistic of us is sucked into this web of wants which north american consumer culture weaves. Yes it gave me immense pleasure to buy that pink top last week that accents my shoulders. Yes it will be wonderful to finally not have to worry about going over my limit...is that it? is that why i accepted the job? I am bloody ungrateful. i know.
i havent even tried hard enough to get the kind of job that would be in harmony with my ideals...the non profits, the schools - its so bloody hard. That one day as i sat calling up all the schools i could find in the yellow pages, i thought, damn it this is hard. I am in limbo - i feel going back will get me the kind of work i want, but here, i will have to do what i consider ... what do i consider it? i dont even know. its not black and white right now...too much grey. hazy and vagues. ideals, what ideals? should i have tried more?

so what happens 4 months from now?